MY LIFE TODAY

I only took two university entrance tests – DLSUCET and USTET. Both are my dream schools. I was not considering the fact that when I failed both exams, I will enter no school in college. All I know is that I only wanted to go in either of these universities. God is good, he let me pass USTET. My perspective of becoming a doctor changed as I understand its complexity (and the fact that I hated physics back in high school. Case in point: pre-med courses have physics subjects. Correct me if I'm wrong!) and decided to pursue Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. It was my choice, as far as I’m concerned. It wasn't my mom’s or my dad’s, it was my own decision. I was so inspired by (or envious of) my friend, her dad is a successful CPA abroad and an alumni of UST. I said to myself, I want to be like him, to become a CPA.

But there was a leap of fate. The universe did not conspire in my favor. I was shifted to Management Accounting because of a failing grade. I've accepted the fact rapidly, thinking BSA is not really for me, and that God might have a better plan in stored for me. During my 2nd year college, I failed once again. I even doubted my ability and considered transferring to College of Commerce. I've already passed the shifter’s exam and all but I was informed that I will be delayed for one academic year. I told my parents about it and they were not in favor of it so I stayed in my current degree.

“I doubt myself too much.” she said. “Self-doubt is an opportunity to prove yourself wrong.” he replied. A conversation I read on twitter.

I tend to doubt myself too much, and it’s escalating everytime I fail to succeed in what I do. I always do my best, of course, but it wasn’t good enough. For me though, it’s the greatest I could ever give. And so the self-doubt continues to heighten.

What do I really wanted to be? A question I’ve been asking myself since forever. Before I started dreaming of becoming a CPA, entering the PBB house was my first delusion. I was in first year high school when I got so hooked up in that reality show and it made me want to experience the hype inside the house. After 8 years, it’s opening its doors again and I’m really determined to try my luck this time. I’ll laugh at this post if I let the audition pass.

"Failure will never overtake you as long as your determination to succeed is strong enough."

I just graduated from college. I can’t help but to be proud of myself because, after 4.5 years, I will finally have the diploma that I worked hard for. It was a long, tough battle. I’ve been through ups and downs. I’ve experienced the worst of the worst, academically, physically (my LRT moments!), psychologically (I was held-up and a gun was pointed directly to my head) and emotionally (back in my early first year college days when I’m still not used to being far away from home and not being with my family for so long) speaking. I also have regrets of not giving my best in everything I do. I’ve always been a mediocre; being satisfied with just a passing grade.

But I always believe that being successful does not always depend on grades alone (though I sometimes hate this thought as it makes me the mediocre that I am). Yes having good grades is an advantage, but after all, succeeding in life depends on us. My mom and dad can prove to that. They are not the smartest but because of their perseverance, hard work and diskarte, they are successful. They will always be my inspiration. Provided that I did not perform well in college, cast it in stone, I will stand out in the corporate world—the real world.

I’m having second thoughts as to studying again for another year to get a BSA degree and take the CPA board exam by 2015 or applying for work and get a master’s degree by June. I asked for a sign and got the second option, but thoughts and quotes about chasing one’s dream keep on flashing everywhere. Now I’m confused which way to go.

This will be, by far, the hardest and toughest decision I'll ever make in my entire life. *lights scented candles and starts to muni-muni*